Things On My Mind

I have a question on my mind today, following me around. Why do we hurt the ones we care about the most? I don't mean, like, on purpose, but simply by living our lives. I wish I knew, and I wish once again that I was a better person. I wish once again that I could go back to when I was two years old, and change how I was. The only reason that age comes to mind is because my mom says that's when I turned evil. Or something like that. I don't look back on my childhood and think, 'Boy, those were the good old days' and smile. I wish I could re-do the whole thing. I wish I could take back all those times when I told my parents I hated them. I wish I'd grown up to be someone else, because, honestly, I don't like who I am right now. I feel myself slowly slipping away, and it makes me feel terrible. Sometimes I want to just give up and forget trying to keep up with my relationships. But all the while I know I can't. That would only haunt me for the rest of my numbered days. I wish I could talk to my dad, like the way I do to my mom. I wish he could accept that I'm not a little kid anymore. I wish my grandparents wouldn't try to control me, because it will never work. I wish I wasn't in this place in my life, I'm so stressed out because I have a choice to make. My whole life I've been in the middle. Not a tomboy, but not a girly-girl. Not outgoing, but yet not shy. A rebel, but a goody-goody. No one sees the rebel me. I don't show that part of me to anyone but my parents, and I shouldn't enjoy being rebellious, but I have to admit I do. I like the idea of independence. That's all I want. I want to leave, and go someplace where I can meet someone who I will be in love with forever. That is the root of every dream in my head. Finding love. I want it to be everything I've dreamed of, and I write about what I can only wish would happen to me. I could never be that lucky. Sometimes I wonder if I've already met him, but just don't know it yet, and sometimes I wonder if he's really even out there, because who in their right mind could love me? Me?!? It just doesn't seem possible. At this point in my life, I don't think I've ever been in love. And I just wish I knew what it really feels like, and what it all would be like. I've never even been kissed. Most people think that's really sad. I happen to be one of them. I know how pathetic my life is, how awful it can be. I feel as though I'm in prison at the moment. I'm locked away like a princess in a fairy tale, waiting for her prince to come. Waiting for him to find her, waiting to know love, to the fullest extent. And, honestly, sometimes I wish I had the guts to end it all. Normally I would be too ashamed to admit that sad fact. I can't count how many times I've prayed, and prayed really hard, that God would take me away from here because I couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take the loneliness, the knowledge that I'm not really wanted around.
Well, I guess I feel a little better now, but I just wish I could change my life. I never thought I would say it, but I wish I was anything but sixteen right now. And I find that wish very depressing.

<3 TaBiThA